More than a toe...

I often use analogies when trying to understand new concepts. It’s always been something that’s helped me wrap my brain around the unfamiliar, and the truth of who I am, really who we all are, is one of the concepts I have struggled the most with. It’s been the process of my life.  

There is a part of me that is driven to do more than understand this concept on an intellectual level. I want to know this truth in every fiber of my being because it is soul altering and because knowing is different; it goes beyond understanding and perception. It just is. I don’t ever question whether the moon will go through its cycles or whether the sun will rise and set each day. They just do. This I know.

So the way that I envision this concept (or this truth), in my head, the way that helps me most make sense of it all, is that the part of me that is here now, the physical part of me that is typing this very sentence, would be equivalent to a pinky toe. This pinky toe is completely unaware that it that it has four other toes as neighbors or that it is even connected to a foot. Never mind it being aware of it's connection to the rest of the body. 

It’s like the pinky toe fell asleep and completely forgot that it was more than a pinky; that it was part of this bigger, magnificent, collective, that made up the whole. Although the pinky toe may continue to sleep unaware, the rest of the body is completely aware of this toe and is patiently waiting to be acknowledged so that they get on with the business of being complete, being One.

I think of myself (really all of us) as the pinky toe that fell asleep, except this little toe is now waking up and realizing that it is more. I am more and we are more. I am an entity much larger and much more divine than this body can contain. I am a part of the whole that contains us ALL and the coolest part is that it just is, like moon cycles and sunsets.  We are all much more than just a toe, much more than our bodies and intrinsically connected by Love, a swirling  energy at the core of everyone, made up of everything, untouched,  glowing hot and bright and unable to be extinguished… timeless, untouchable, unchangeable, forever Love 

  

The adventure continues...

 Its been about 5 months since Ive posted anything. I thought about it often but never got around to it. Today the thought would not leave my mind and here I am. My life has changed a lot since I last blogged. My perception has shifted as well. I believe that before I could try to express what it was that I was experiencing I had to get to the other side of it, the feelings of failure, regret, and most of all confusion .
My life had in no way turned out the way I had thought it would when I resigned from my job in July 2010. While I had several semi-regular clients, my reiki practice did not explode; I had only completed the first chapter of my "best-seller" and my bank account was overdrawn more often than not. I felt completely abandoned by the sure, strong, internal, voice that had been guiding me. Did the stirrings of my soul somehow get lost in translation? I had heard the call and answered willingly.
It was on January 3, 2011, while at a women's circle, that I began crossing the bridge to the other side of it. While surrounded by a circle of women at The Dreaming Goddess annex, I opened a letter that I had written to my self a whole year earlier at a workshop called 2010 with Intention. In this letter I laid out the dreams for the next year of my life and for the first time attempted to live it with a very focused intention.
Returning a year later was difficult for me; I was scared to read my letter, scared to confront my failure. I had been so hopeful and was really beginning to buy into the idea that I had the ability to dream my world into creation.  It wasn't until I read my letter a year later, on that cold, snowy day in January of 2011, surrounded by the same circle of sisters from the year before, that I realized that I had done everything I had set out to. I helped women with reiki; I created my circle room and led circles; I wrote often and my hands stayed messy with glue. It was all I had asked for and more; the process of manifesting my dream was not over. I had not failed; I was simply seeing my circumstances with the wrong eyes. It was my attempt to control my journey so rigidly that was causing all the pain and doubt. I began to learn that day that although I heard the call and answered; I could not expect the journey to be simple. Nor could I expect to understand the way in which I would be led.
Looking back I am grateful to have gone through this period in my life. It allowed me to learn a lot about myself and today I find myself in a strange, new, and beautiful place, wondering how I got here. The reiki practice has still not exploded and I threw out the first chapter of my "best-seller" but what I have begun to remember is that dreaming my world into creation does not only mean changing my external circumstances. For me it has been about really and truly recognizing that I come from, Love, and was created to embody Love. It is what I am, it is the only thing that's real in this messy world and nothing can or ever will change that. It is who I am. It is who we ALL are. It isn't something we have to earn or work for; it isn't something gained through the accumulation of useless things that wear down and eventually have to be discarded. We are Love simply because we are. It need not ever be defended because nothing can attack it. It's a quiet, gentle, knowing that has made itself at home deep within me. I believe now the journey really begins because I have also remembered that to allow that knowing deep within to truly settle in; in order to really keep it, I have to give it away. If Love is the only thing that is real; I have to let go of everything else and only see Love. The adventure continues... 

Lost on the NJ Turnpike...

I got lost on the NJ turnpike the other night. I was lost for about 3 hours. The GPS on my phone was not working and every turn I made seemed to lead me back to where I started. I normally have a good sense of direction and have never minded getting lost. I’ve found the coolest places while lost…parks, thrift shops, book stores; wonderful places I would have never discovered otherwise, but my sense of adventure and wonder was lost that night. As the sun went down and I drove in circles, anxiety crept in, along with fear and doubt.

 This particular night, I was on my way home from my first day at a new job; a job that I wasn’t sure I wanted to return to the next day. It seemed to serve as a reminder of all the reasons I made the painful decision to leave the chemical dependency field. I had spent the majority of that first day wondering how I had ended up back here.

While driving and crying on the NJ turnpike that night, I noticed the parallels in my life. I left the parking lot of my new job that day to set out on my journey “home”. Somewhere along the way, I got lost; the roads became unfamiliar and I panicked. I tried to find the first familiar exit…anything that looked like it would lead me home and only became more lost.

I am thinking that this is probably how I ended up taking this job. Somewhere along this journey of mine called life, the road became unclear, unfamiliar, and I panicked, taking the first exit that was familiar and safe. I went back to substance abuse counseling.  I have been asking myself some questions the past few days. Why is it that I can manifest a CASAC job within a week and I can’t manifest enough Reiki clients to keep me afloat? I know now that the reason is because I believe in one more than the other. I have no doubt in my gifts as a counselor, therefore I have no problem manifesting a position in which I can utilize these gifts.  

Establishing a Reiki practice is an entirely different story and I am realizing that I have been stepping forward in this part of my journey with fear; fear that I am not good enough, fear that I will fail, fear that I will never attract those that really want to heal.

 I did some shamanic journeying yesterday with the intention to ask my power animal for assistance in learning to step forward in faith rather than fear. On this journey I was given a skunk. He was a reminder that my self- esteem and belief in me are still areas that I am working on and that I what I attract to my life is a direct result of how I feel about myself. There are no victims. We are all simply volunteers, creating our reality with every thought.

I quit the job after 2 days and I realize now that I needed to take the job, even if just for a few days, to remember why I left, to reaffirm why I needed to follow my dreams. I needed to get lost so that I could begin finding my way again. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the importance of the journey and I stopped trusting the process, stopped looking at the bigger picture. If your ever lost on the NJ turnpike and find yourself going in circles, trust that it may all be happening for a reason.

The truth about "balls"...should they really be a metaphor for strength???

So I am going to take a chance here and share a theory that I hold near and dear to my heart. This theory developed as a result of listening to the men around me frequently tell each other to "grow a set of balls"; not to mention the countless references in films, TV, etc. The way it happened was that I began to seriously wonder how strength and courage became equated with "balls". Growing up I was taught that the quickest, sure-fire way to get a man down was to kick him in the balls! This really began to make less and less sense the more that  I thought about it. By the age of five, I was well aware that if I were to even just graze a boy's balls, he would be doubled over in pain.Nope, balls equaling strength was not really sounding like an accurate equation.
I then began think about the numerous times I had heard men call each other a "p*#@y " when referring to a man who had committed an act of weakness and cowardice. I began to wonder about myself and my strength; about the differences between a woman's body and a man's. How was it that the vagina came to be equated with weakness and cowardice? I am a mother of 3, so when exploring my feelings regarding this body part of mine, the experience of giving birth to a child is something that immediately comes up. I was 14. I would have c-sections the next two times around, but I would never forget the way I feared I would be split open (I was sooo tiny) and then the ease in which my vagina was able to expand to deliver my first child. I didn't even tear! The more I thought about it, the more I realized what an amazing body part this was indeed. It could stretch and expand to deliver a baby and snap back into it's original shape. If I may be completely frank, it could take a beating like nobody's business and still maintain it's beauty and form.
 After thinking all of this through,  I concluded that the whole thing should indeed be switched. Vagina equaling strength sounds like a much more accurate equation. I can say with much certainty, that rather than aspiring to "grow some cojones", I now aspire to "grow into my vagina"; to be able to expand and be flexible in life, to be able to take in all life has to offer, beatings and all,and still maintain my original, beautiful form.

The Fall...

soul collage

I read a quote once about falling from grace and into your truth.
I remember the first time I saw the words hanging on the wall of the “Dreaming Goddess”. It was July 2009 and I was at my first New Moon Circle. My life was changing rapidly and I had no idea what direction it was going…I only knew that I needed to cooperate with Spirit; that the words I was reading, the words that resonated so deeply, were profound; that I should remember them.
Looking back now, I believe I was born falling into it...this thing called my truth. I realized at a very young age that if I did not figure something out I would die. I was 15 yo, and the mother of a one year old little boy, when "the fall" into my truth became a conscious journey. It was in a hospital emergency room, vomiting liquid charcoal, when I unequivocally decided that I wanted to live. I had absolutely reached the bottom....but it was not my truth I fell into back then. Somewhere along the way I veered off course and landed in other people's truths...my mother's, my father's etc. There would be times later on in life where I would veer off course again but it was never the same after that moment.
It's a strange and mysterious thing...the way it's happened;the depths I've had to go and still need to go. I used to feel sorry for myself for all the "bad cards" life has dealt me. I stopped doing so a long time ago, for it enabled me to begin this "conscious falling in" .
The fall has been long and arduous and will only become harder but I've grasped some things during the descent...some beautiful pieces that will one day make up the whole. I've also dropped some pieces that did not belong to me; that I held onto because I didn't know better. It feels good to be able to recognize what's mine and what's not; to be able to honor, protect it, and clarify it for no one can speak to my truth but me...for it's mine; made up of my unique experiences. ~Munay

Ms. Jennifer and Sarai

It feels like it's been so long since I've written anything. It feels amazing to be sitting here now...like I have just opened the door and looked outside after weeks of refusing to leave the house; the sunshine washing over me. It has been an up and down roller coaster of emotion...I've gone from one extreme to the other and believe I've figured some stuff out for myself, about myself, while locked in "my house".
First things first, I am my own worst enemy; not all of me, but parts of me, specifically my ego. I am aware that I am stepping into the unknown, taking a leap of faith and have no idea what will happen in the future. My ego, which we will call Ms.Jennifer, for the sake of this blog post, does not like this at all and is fighting like hell to retain control; she has declared war and is rallying the committee and preparing the assault.
She operates on four things: fear, attachment, control and entitlement. As a result of this, she needs to know exactly what will happen at all times so that she can feel she has some measure of control over the uncertainty of life. She has difficulty with trust, as she has had many experiences in life that have taught her that there really isn’t anyone that can be trusted. She is attached to outcomes and has a tendency to project into the future and can imagine all types of horrible calamities befalling her and her loved ones. She has marvelous ways of justifying her fears because mostly everyone she has ever loved has been taken from her…her brother, her father, her beloved step-father, her best friend, the father of her children…yadda yadda yadda. She is also very good at feeling sorry for herself and could actually go on for days describing all the ways in which life has been unfair; how she has been misunderstood and betrayed; how everyone else is responsible for how she feels etc.
Jennifer has been doing just this during these last few weeks. She tells me to find a real job. She tells me that no one will read what I write, that no one will pay for my art, that I cannot support myself with Reiki, that I am irresponsible as a mother and a wife because I am not contributing financially, that I am dreaming about this so-called creative life. Yup, she knows exactly what to say to get me.
It is hard not to intensely dislike Jennifer. I realized a while ago that it is my life’s goal to embrace her, to love her. I’m getting better at it; I understand more and more why she is fighting me on this, why she resists change. I am not talking about external changes like a haircut or a job change. I am talking about the deep soul changes…the monsoons that sweep in and alter the landscape of one's inner world forever. She doesn’t like those so much…it’s easier to leave things the way they are, do things the way they’ve always been done, than to mess with something we’re not familiar with.
In the midst of this though, there is Sarai…yes Sarai, this other part of me, this wise, fierce, and capable part of me that intuitively knows how to move in any world she steps in because she knows she is Divine and is a co-creator with the Universe. I have written about her before and have now decided to name her…to welcome her into my life fully. Don’t get me wrong, she has ALWAYS been with me, been part of me, but her voice was difficult for me to hear or rather I chose not to listen most of the time until life brought me to my knees. I have been getting these two, Ms.Jennifer and Sarai, to talk to each other lately in a way I never have before. Being witness to the dialogue between them has been heart- breaking and heart- mending at the same time...life is such a marriage of opposites.
As I think about what I’ve written, Ms. Jennifer, tells me I shouldn’t share it. “You are supposed to appear a certain way! “she says. “Spiritual people are joyful people, positive beings spreading love and light at all times!” she continues. “What will everyone think?” she asks. Today I tell Ms. Jennifer, my ego, that I really don’t give a shit. My process is mine. It works for me. I don’t learn what I am capable of, what jewels exist deep within me, until shit hits the fan in my inner world and I have get her and Sarai talking. I am not looking for a spirituality of perfection...it just gives Ms. Jennifer more reasons to beat herself up. I am practicing a spirituality of Imperfection instead, which means making some mistakes, learning by going through my wounds, embracing my shadows and taking full responsibility for what I think and feel and how I respond to the world rather than blaming my feelings and behavior on others. Bad days and self doubt do not mean I am not growing. On the contrary, they are the ways in which I grow because they force me to look within, to check in and find out what’s going on with Ms. Jennifer and the committee;Something I can’t do efficiently while worrying about appearances.~Munay

The Band Aid and the Booboo

I did not think I would be blogging today. I had a lot of excuses..no one was reading it, it was late, I was tired, and what else could I possibly have to say after this long day?
Once again,the Universe always has something it would like to impart to me through my son Elijah. You see he has this "booboo" on his knee. It's a wide scrape that has stubbornly refused to heal because he has been pulling the band aid off to look at it. Tonight was no different. Elijah removed is band aid to look at the booboo and after realizing that it appeared no different than it had yesterday, he went on about his evening. Just as expected, it began to bleed again. He had accidentally scraped the newly forming scab off while playing. While in the bathroom cleaning it off and applying the third band aid for the day, I asked Elijah why he kept removing his band aids and he explained that he wanted to see it healed; he couldn't wait to see what it would look like.
I recall the feeling of being in "limbo" that I have been experiencing these last few weeks, of not really being sure of what lies ahead or what this is all for at the end of the day and having to sit with it. I thought about my impatience and what my feelings of impatience teach me about myself. The thing that stands out to me the most is that for me, when I feel impatient, it is because deep down there is a fear that this thing, whatever it is I'm waiting for,will not happen, my need will be unmet. So it has to happen now, right away, I can't wait. Luckily I am getting better at recognizing it and dealing with it differently, but it's there. It creeps up. It's what my limbo feeling is about. Sometimes I can't wait; I want to know what's going to happen now. I want to know what it will look like when it's all healed.
I ended up explaining to Elijah what I most had to reinforce within myself. I love it when that happens and I am able to see it. It's magical.
I explained to him that the booboo will heal if he gives it time, if he is patient. That he should stop ripping the band aid before it's ready. He has to trust that whatever is happening underneath that band aid is what's supposed to be happening, even if he can't see it, and that when he pulls it off it may not look exactly as he expected, but it will be just what it's supposed to be. I will follow my own advice tonight and let my band aid do what it does, trusting that I am healing underneath, that I am on my way even if I don't always feel like it, and If I forget I will remember Elijah and his band aid.