Lost on the NJ Turnpike...

I got lost on the NJ turnpike the other night. I was lost for about 3 hours. The GPS on my phone was not working and every turn I made seemed to lead me back to where I started. I normally have a good sense of direction and have never minded getting lost. I’ve found the coolest places while lost…parks, thrift shops, book stores; wonderful places I would have never discovered otherwise, but my sense of adventure and wonder was lost that night. As the sun went down and I drove in circles, anxiety crept in, along with fear and doubt.

 This particular night, I was on my way home from my first day at a new job; a job that I wasn’t sure I wanted to return to the next day. It seemed to serve as a reminder of all the reasons I made the painful decision to leave the chemical dependency field. I had spent the majority of that first day wondering how I had ended up back here.

While driving and crying on the NJ turnpike that night, I noticed the parallels in my life. I left the parking lot of my new job that day to set out on my journey “home”. Somewhere along the way, I got lost; the roads became unfamiliar and I panicked. I tried to find the first familiar exit…anything that looked like it would lead me home and only became more lost.

I am thinking that this is probably how I ended up taking this job. Somewhere along this journey of mine called life, the road became unclear, unfamiliar, and I panicked, taking the first exit that was familiar and safe. I went back to substance abuse counseling.  I have been asking myself some questions the past few days. Why is it that I can manifest a CASAC job within a week and I can’t manifest enough Reiki clients to keep me afloat? I know now that the reason is because I believe in one more than the other. I have no doubt in my gifts as a counselor, therefore I have no problem manifesting a position in which I can utilize these gifts.  

Establishing a Reiki practice is an entirely different story and I am realizing that I have been stepping forward in this part of my journey with fear; fear that I am not good enough, fear that I will fail, fear that I will never attract those that really want to heal.

 I did some shamanic journeying yesterday with the intention to ask my power animal for assistance in learning to step forward in faith rather than fear. On this journey I was given a skunk. He was a reminder that my self- esteem and belief in me are still areas that I am working on and that I what I attract to my life is a direct result of how I feel about myself. There are no victims. We are all simply volunteers, creating our reality with every thought.

I quit the job after 2 days and I realize now that I needed to take the job, even if just for a few days, to remember why I left, to reaffirm why I needed to follow my dreams. I needed to get lost so that I could begin finding my way again. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the importance of the journey and I stopped trusting the process, stopped looking at the bigger picture. If your ever lost on the NJ turnpike and find yourself going in circles, trust that it may all be happening for a reason.

The truth about "balls"...should they really be a metaphor for strength???

So I am going to take a chance here and share a theory that I hold near and dear to my heart. This theory developed as a result of listening to the men around me frequently tell each other to "grow a set of balls"; not to mention the countless references in films, TV, etc. The way it happened was that I began to seriously wonder how strength and courage became equated with "balls". Growing up I was taught that the quickest, sure-fire way to get a man down was to kick him in the balls! This really began to make less and less sense the more that  I thought about it. By the age of five, I was well aware that if I were to even just graze a boy's balls, he would be doubled over in pain.Nope, balls equaling strength was not really sounding like an accurate equation.
I then began think about the numerous times I had heard men call each other a "p*#@y " when referring to a man who had committed an act of weakness and cowardice. I began to wonder about myself and my strength; about the differences between a woman's body and a man's. How was it that the vagina came to be equated with weakness and cowardice? I am a mother of 3, so when exploring my feelings regarding this body part of mine, the experience of giving birth to a child is something that immediately comes up. I was 14. I would have c-sections the next two times around, but I would never forget the way I feared I would be split open (I was sooo tiny) and then the ease in which my vagina was able to expand to deliver my first child. I didn't even tear! The more I thought about it, the more I realized what an amazing body part this was indeed. It could stretch and expand to deliver a baby and snap back into it's original shape. If I may be completely frank, it could take a beating like nobody's business and still maintain it's beauty and form.
 After thinking all of this through,  I concluded that the whole thing should indeed be switched. Vagina equaling strength sounds like a much more accurate equation. I can say with much certainty, that rather than aspiring to "grow some cojones", I now aspire to "grow into my vagina"; to be able to expand and be flexible in life, to be able to take in all life has to offer, beatings and all,and still maintain my original, beautiful form.

The Fall...

soul collage

I read a quote once about falling from grace and into your truth.
I remember the first time I saw the words hanging on the wall of the “Dreaming Goddess”. It was July 2009 and I was at my first New Moon Circle. My life was changing rapidly and I had no idea what direction it was going…I only knew that I needed to cooperate with Spirit; that the words I was reading, the words that resonated so deeply, were profound; that I should remember them.
Looking back now, I believe I was born falling into it...this thing called my truth. I realized at a very young age that if I did not figure something out I would die. I was 15 yo, and the mother of a one year old little boy, when "the fall" into my truth became a conscious journey. It was in a hospital emergency room, vomiting liquid charcoal, when I unequivocally decided that I wanted to live. I had absolutely reached the bottom....but it was not my truth I fell into back then. Somewhere along the way I veered off course and landed in other people's truths...my mother's, my father's etc. There would be times later on in life where I would veer off course again but it was never the same after that moment.
It's a strange and mysterious thing...the way it's happened;the depths I've had to go and still need to go. I used to feel sorry for myself for all the "bad cards" life has dealt me. I stopped doing so a long time ago, for it enabled me to begin this "conscious falling in" .
The fall has been long and arduous and will only become harder but I've grasped some things during the descent...some beautiful pieces that will one day make up the whole. I've also dropped some pieces that did not belong to me; that I held onto because I didn't know better. It feels good to be able to recognize what's mine and what's not; to be able to honor, protect it, and clarify it for no one can speak to my truth but me...for it's mine; made up of my unique experiences. ~Munay

Ms. Jennifer and Sarai

It feels like it's been so long since I've written anything. It feels amazing to be sitting here now...like I have just opened the door and looked outside after weeks of refusing to leave the house; the sunshine washing over me. It has been an up and down roller coaster of emotion...I've gone from one extreme to the other and believe I've figured some stuff out for myself, about myself, while locked in "my house".
First things first, I am my own worst enemy; not all of me, but parts of me, specifically my ego. I am aware that I am stepping into the unknown, taking a leap of faith and have no idea what will happen in the future. My ego, which we will call Ms.Jennifer, for the sake of this blog post, does not like this at all and is fighting like hell to retain control; she has declared war and is rallying the committee and preparing the assault.
She operates on four things: fear, attachment, control and entitlement. As a result of this, she needs to know exactly what will happen at all times so that she can feel she has some measure of control over the uncertainty of life. She has difficulty with trust, as she has had many experiences in life that have taught her that there really isn’t anyone that can be trusted. She is attached to outcomes and has a tendency to project into the future and can imagine all types of horrible calamities befalling her and her loved ones. She has marvelous ways of justifying her fears because mostly everyone she has ever loved has been taken from her…her brother, her father, her beloved step-father, her best friend, the father of her children…yadda yadda yadda. She is also very good at feeling sorry for herself and could actually go on for days describing all the ways in which life has been unfair; how she has been misunderstood and betrayed; how everyone else is responsible for how she feels etc.
Jennifer has been doing just this during these last few weeks. She tells me to find a real job. She tells me that no one will read what I write, that no one will pay for my art, that I cannot support myself with Reiki, that I am irresponsible as a mother and a wife because I am not contributing financially, that I am dreaming about this so-called creative life. Yup, she knows exactly what to say to get me.
It is hard not to intensely dislike Jennifer. I realized a while ago that it is my life’s goal to embrace her, to love her. I’m getting better at it; I understand more and more why she is fighting me on this, why she resists change. I am not talking about external changes like a haircut or a job change. I am talking about the deep soul changes…the monsoons that sweep in and alter the landscape of one's inner world forever. She doesn’t like those so much…it’s easier to leave things the way they are, do things the way they’ve always been done, than to mess with something we’re not familiar with.
In the midst of this though, there is Sarai…yes Sarai, this other part of me, this wise, fierce, and capable part of me that intuitively knows how to move in any world she steps in because she knows she is Divine and is a co-creator with the Universe. I have written about her before and have now decided to name her…to welcome her into my life fully. Don’t get me wrong, she has ALWAYS been with me, been part of me, but her voice was difficult for me to hear or rather I chose not to listen most of the time until life brought me to my knees. I have been getting these two, Ms.Jennifer and Sarai, to talk to each other lately in a way I never have before. Being witness to the dialogue between them has been heart- breaking and heart- mending at the same time...life is such a marriage of opposites.
As I think about what I’ve written, Ms. Jennifer, tells me I shouldn’t share it. “You are supposed to appear a certain way! “she says. “Spiritual people are joyful people, positive beings spreading love and light at all times!” she continues. “What will everyone think?” she asks. Today I tell Ms. Jennifer, my ego, that I really don’t give a shit. My process is mine. It works for me. I don’t learn what I am capable of, what jewels exist deep within me, until shit hits the fan in my inner world and I have get her and Sarai talking. I am not looking for a spirituality of perfection...it just gives Ms. Jennifer more reasons to beat herself up. I am practicing a spirituality of Imperfection instead, which means making some mistakes, learning by going through my wounds, embracing my shadows and taking full responsibility for what I think and feel and how I respond to the world rather than blaming my feelings and behavior on others. Bad days and self doubt do not mean I am not growing. On the contrary, they are the ways in which I grow because they force me to look within, to check in and find out what’s going on with Ms. Jennifer and the committee;Something I can’t do efficiently while worrying about appearances.~Munay

The Band Aid and the Booboo

I did not think I would be blogging today. I had a lot of excuses..no one was reading it, it was late, I was tired, and what else could I possibly have to say after this long day?
Once again,the Universe always has something it would like to impart to me through my son Elijah. You see he has this "booboo" on his knee. It's a wide scrape that has stubbornly refused to heal because he has been pulling the band aid off to look at it. Tonight was no different. Elijah removed is band aid to look at the booboo and after realizing that it appeared no different than it had yesterday, he went on about his evening. Just as expected, it began to bleed again. He had accidentally scraped the newly forming scab off while playing. While in the bathroom cleaning it off and applying the third band aid for the day, I asked Elijah why he kept removing his band aids and he explained that he wanted to see it healed; he couldn't wait to see what it would look like.
I recall the feeling of being in "limbo" that I have been experiencing these last few weeks, of not really being sure of what lies ahead or what this is all for at the end of the day and having to sit with it. I thought about my impatience and what my feelings of impatience teach me about myself. The thing that stands out to me the most is that for me, when I feel impatient, it is because deep down there is a fear that this thing, whatever it is I'm waiting for,will not happen, my need will be unmet. So it has to happen now, right away, I can't wait. Luckily I am getting better at recognizing it and dealing with it differently, but it's there. It creeps up. It's what my limbo feeling is about. Sometimes I can't wait; I want to know what's going to happen now. I want to know what it will look like when it's all healed.
I ended up explaining to Elijah what I most had to reinforce within myself. I love it when that happens and I am able to see it. It's magical.
I explained to him that the booboo will heal if he gives it time, if he is patient. That he should stop ripping the band aid before it's ready. He has to trust that whatever is happening underneath that band aid is what's supposed to be happening, even if he can't see it, and that when he pulls it off it may not look exactly as he expected, but it will be just what it's supposed to be. I will follow my own advice tonight and let my band aid do what it does, trusting that I am healing underneath, that I am on my way even if I don't always feel like it, and If I forget I will remember Elijah and his band aid.

Book excerpt...please feel free to leave feedback

Below is an excerpt from a book I am working on..another message in a bottle...it is sometimes difficult to put my journey into words for it contains memories which contain feelings that I have long since buried but I believe it is something I need to begin to do, something I have been called to do. I think about all the stories I have heard and read, how I loved them because on some level they were able to articulate my journey in a way I was still unable to do. They gave a name to something I could not and helped me begin to understand mine, to look at it from a different perspective.I hope and wish that I can do the same for someone else...

"I am grateful for the dark night of the soul. Even as I am in the midst of it, I am grateful. My inner world feels as if a tornado has swept through. Everything has been strewn about, uprooted. I spend time trying to put the pieces back, put everything back in its place but I’m finding some of the pieces don’t fit anymore. The tornado has forever altered the landscape. Some of the pieces are no longer useful but I am scared to discard them, let them go. It reminds me of when I would keep empty juice bottles and cereal boxes in the kitchen cabinet. I knew they were empty and useless but they took up space that would have otherwise been empty and helped me feel more secure. I am used to them. They have always been there. If I let them go what takes their place? Even as I go through this I am grateful. A co-worker once presented me with a quote on a fancy piece of paper for my birthday. As he handed it to me he explained that my ability to cry was a gift. The quote read “I wish to live my life on the verge of tears, for it is in those moments, when I am about to cry, when I am on the emotional edge, that I am most convinced of the aliveness of my soul”.
I hold onto that right now because I cry a lot. There are moments when I am gripped with fear, when my heart pounds in my chest and I feel nauseous. And in those moments I cry. There are moments when I am so sad that all I can do is hang my head down and breathe. In those moments I cry also. As I walk through the devastation left by the tornado I cry. Nothing will ever be the same. I will have to sift through everything that’s been thrown around; everything that’s been unearthed. The task at times seems overwhelming but I will not carry all this with me on the next leg of my journey. It will be too heavy. There has been a lot buried throughout the years...experiences and feelings I’ve wanted to forget, thoughts I’ve denied, a voice or touch too painful to remember. I will have to go through it all, discard things that no longer serve me, keep what I need and figure out what to do with the rest.
I don’t know how long this dark night will last, how long it will take me to clear the wreckage, but I’ve learned to take it one day at a time. I’ve learned to feel the fear and do it anyway. I’ve learned to trust the process and stand in my truth. That “I am a good person worthy of love and respect”, and that in addition to my gift of tears, I also possess the gift of grace. I’m blessed to have the footsteps of those who journeyed through the dark night before me to follow. They are my mothers and fathers, the ones placed in my path and along my journey when I had none. I hope their lessons sustain me. Deep down I believe they will.
I am moving on from them now and I feel compelled to write it down, what they gave me, how they helped me to see myself clearly, finally. I believe writing them down will be my way of stitching them into my heart, one by one with each word. I fear if I don’t, I will lose them, forget them as time goes by. I don’t want their words, their examples, who they were, to become tangled in the debris and accidentally tossed away"

Just my thoughts...

"when you try to get rid of fear and anger, what happens? You just get restless or discouraged and have to go eat something or smoke or drink or do something else. But if you wait and endure restlessness, greed, hatred, doubt, despair and sleepiness, if you observe these conditions as they cease and end, you will attain a kind of calm and mental clarity, which you will never achieve if your always going after something else."

I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately; a lot of time thinking. I think it's been good for me. It's time that I now cherish. I posted the quote above because it captures the heart of what I have been grappling with. I am not sure where it came form but I ran across it  in 2006 and promptly posted it on my myspace blog. It was what I needed at that time and seems to be what I need today. 

I have been thinking about the many times throughout my life that I have been told not to invest anymore energy into a particular feeling ( i.e. anger, sadness, grief etc.) because the time had come to move on, get over it, move forward, let it go. And I will admit that at times that was what I needed to hear because there was a time in my life when I perceived myself as a victim.What I didn't understand at the time was that while there was a danger in playing victim, this was only one side of the spectrum. There was also a danger in going to the other end of the extreme. The one that is "strong" and intellectualizes "acceptance" rather than going through the actual process. And it is a process; a process that is painful but necessary in restoring one's authentic power. 

I think what I have found now is a balance. I have had to. I truly believe that emotion, my feelings, is just that, ENERGY, in motion. To shut it down, simply because the process of allowing the energy to flow in and out of me, is uncomfortable and taking longer than I would like, has never benefited me. I simply postponed the inevitable.
I now choose to enter the realm of emotion within me, consciously. I allow my grief, my sadness, my anger, my joy, all the emotions that make me human, to flow, understanding that they will not last forever, that I am not a victim, that I am responsible for my feelings, and that yes, the "strong one" resides within. But she is not found in my head because I or someone else tells me it's time to suck it up and move on. She is born and found in the darkness, in the shadowy realm of emotion.    
This energy, this emotion, needs to be  released because it is flowing and present to teach me something. It will be released whether I am aware of it or not. The times that it has been released without me being aware are those times when I find myself wondering..."why did I just do that? Why did I just react that way?". Oftentimes that is when I end up hurting those closest to me. When I make the conscious choice to "go in", as I like to call it, I can create a container within, something to hold the energy so that it does not leak out onto others until I have learned what it is I need to heal; until the energy has run it's course.
I'm grateful that I can allow my process. It makes it easier for me to be present and witness the process of others without being uncomfortable and having to project my stuff onto them. 
So if you are in a process yourself, whatever it may be...take your time, learn all you can but do it with intention. Go into the shadowy realm with the intent to learn about yourself, to heal, and to transmute that energy and emotion into something different, something beautiful.
As I write this I have an image of a beautiful 3 yo, she is smiling and happy and holding out her arms to me. She is the gift found at the end of acceptance for me today for I have taken her energy and allowed it to flow these past few days and now she is ready to come home...knowing that i will never allow anyone to shut down her process again; to tell her that's enough, stop crying, get over it, move on. I will guide her through it instead...reminding her of the rewards to be gained, the jewels to be found.

In the shadows...

 It's been a few days since I blogged last. There have been some shifts since then. It is amazing the way my life has been changing. It isn't so much that things around me have changed...my perception has changed and that seems to make all the difference. Financially I am struggling. I worry about when then next bill comes up because I'm not sure where the money to pay for it will come from but I have noticed that a funny thing will happen...someone will buy a piece of art I have created or someone will schedule a reiki session and I find myself able to meet my obligations. I am learning to trust the process  in a way that I never have before.
During those times when I am most "unsure",  I am finding that there is a voice within that guides me. She has always been with me although I have not always chosen to listen. She is wise and self assured. She understands the cycles of life and death and does not fear them for she knows that death is just as much a gift as life. She knows that death leads to transformation and renewal. She understands the connection between herself and the earth, for She and the Earth are one. This voice within reminds me that the only way to get through is to be in the moment, something I struggle with daily, but She is consistent and this helps me when I project too far into the future.
I don't think that I would have ever connected with her had it not been for the dark moments in my life; the times when I feel as if I will be swallowed up by my shadow. I'm thinking there wouldn't have been any reason to. Just a few days ago I wrote about the old wounds  that had begun to surface, wounds that I really did believe I had tended. And I did, but I am realizing that it is done in layers and I was being called to peel back the next one.
I am incredibly grateful I cooperated with the call. In doing so I realized, on a deeper level,  that my shadow parts are not necessarily "bad". They are just parts of myself unknown to me, in the dark. I now know my shadow contains my un-lived life; all of my unused potential and magic. I know that I will be called to go deeper once again, to reclaim the lost pieces of myself,  to bless the ghosts of my past and send them on their way.  I know that it will be painful and things I see that I will not understand or even wish to know but I also know that I will discover the best parts of myself. ~munay

in between...

These past 2 weeks have been interesting to say the least. I find myself in this "in between time"...the time between what was and what will be. My last day at SCI has come and gone. I had a sense that what was to come would be difficult. I managed to avoid it that  first week; managed to stay busy. I surrounded myself with people rather than sitting with myself and I didn't write. I talked about it but avoided it.  I feel the nudging though. It was gentle at first and but has become progressively harder. It is the nudging from the Goddess within that tells me it is time to be quiet; time to go within. I am thinking that maybe this is what this meantime is all about...being quite and listening; exploring the parts of myself I have yet to see.
I had no idea until now how much of my identity was wrapped up in being a counselor; helping other people hold their stories. I believed I had "been there and done that". I am realizing now that I may have been there and done that but in this quiet I'm being asked to "go there and do this"; I'm being invited to go deeper. And for the first time there is a part of me that what's nothing to do with "this". There has been more time to think this week; to sit with myself and I seem to go back to my childhood, a part of my life I was convinced I had come to terms with.
When I sat in the quiet yesterday, paper and pen in hand, to write that was what came up for me. I ended up recalling and writing about the first 4years of my life as best as I could remember. I thought about how surreal it felt; as if I was writing about someone else. I became frustrated as I tried to inject feeling into the words and couldn't. There were none. I try to imaging my 7yo having the same experiences and I can't, he would no longer be who he is. He would have to shut that down in order to survive and I realized that is what has happened to the magical 4 yo I once was.
I don't know know if there are words to describe the sadness of realizing that I shut a part of myself down. There were no words yesterday; just swirling energy in my heart and a pain in my throat. All I could do was wrap my arms around myself and cry. I'm guessing it was some of what she would have felt at that time; the little Jenn but there was no one to guide her through it back then. I have to give her a voice now and allow her to tell her story; to integrate her experiences and make sense of it all. The funny thing is that I began the process of writing my memoir before leaving SCI. I had decided that it was some thing I finally needed to do and shortly after I started I found myself stuck. I didn't start at the beginning; I didn't want to. I wanted to start at where I am now. I'm guessing in order to really understand how I got here I have to fully internalize where I came from ...move it out of my head and into my heart.
I have been carrying this sadness around since yesterday and to be honest delving deeper scares me. Knowing now that I will have to go through each piece and finally deal with the energy surrounding it seems like an insurmountable task. The feelings can seem overwhelming, as if what I have carefully woven together for the last 32 years is now beginning to unravel. I know the story will write itself if I do this though and that the choice to write is is now beyond my control. I just have to cooperate with Spirit and trust the process.
  There is hope that when all is said and done I will unravel for a divine purpose and what will be revealed underneath will be beautiful and whole. I have come to know in my short 32 years that hope is not something that comes form outside; it can not be injected into me through wise quotes and well wishes. Hope is born in darkness; in going into it and finding the light that shines within; that can never be extinguished. It is the light that has allowed the 4 yo in me to experience some of the worse that life has to offer and survive spirit intact with grace and the ability to love and believe that the heart of life is good. 

The Power of Intention

Yesterday I stated my intention. I believe that it is important to let the Universe know where I’m headed, what I’m up to. It loves nothing more that to join me on my journey and conspire with me, especially when I am following what I know in my heart is my reason for being.
My intention for yesterday, today, and every day is to heal, to grow, to take another step closer toward my destiny, helping others heal. I know I cannot do that effectively if I do not continuously mend myself. The more I let the Universe know this, the more opportunities I get.
Because of this, I am in a place in my life where I know deep down in the depths of my soul that all the adversity I have gone through has been for a purpose. Some of it I was powerless over and some of it I created because I refused to accept and grieve that which I had no control over. But it has never been for naught.
My adversity has given me the opportunity to look at life in a different way. I have come to perceive everything as a lesson. I have come to accept that grief is inevitable when you choose to love, because love really is a choice. It was a choice I had to consciously make after finally allowing myself to grieve the losses in my life; the loss of loved ones, my childhood innocence, unmet needs. The beautiful gift is that I was able to make the choice fully aware of the price I will ultimately have to pay, for nothing is constant. People come and people go, summer turns to fall, fall turns to winter and winter to spring. The wheel of the year goes on but it no longer scares me as much as it used to. It is a fear I can allow myself to experience, breathing in and out, and moving forward, heart wide open. The more I release, the more I make room for.
Spirit, continue to walk with me as I dream my world into creation…a world where I can help heal and inspire others as they walk their journey. Allow me to put one foot in front of the other despite my fear knowing that you are always beside me…the buffalo, the owl, the spider and the grasshopper; all of your beautiful manifestations. Allow me to hear your voice in the wind and the whispers in my soul…the Goddess within, ever guiding me.
And so it is.

Gratitude for lessons learned...

open heart

I learned a lot about friendship and myself this weekend. The lesson was painful and is forcing me to take a deeper, more thoughtful look at myself. What I have come to know so far is that my Feelings are teachers. They are not facts, nor will they ever be, unless I chose to make them so. I have come to understand that my job is to be able to acknowledge them, identify them and express them. It is a process that has taken me years.
I have also come to understand that after identifying and expressing them, it is my job to step back and take an objective look, sit them down at the round table and ask me what they are here for. If I can do that, step back from my feelings, they have an enormous amount of information to pass on. I am realizing that certain feelings are harder to step back from than others, that there are feelings that alert me to much deeper wounds; wounds that are sometimes harder to face. And that there are experiences and situations which will continuously call attention to them until I honor them and what they have to teach.
The learning usually comes through my interactions with others. This weekend I learned that there are still areas in which I take things deeply personal. I am better with some but there is work to be done. I learned a big lesson about my ego as well. I was reacting out of fear, fear of rejection. I also learned that when people I love establish their boundaries and follow their dreams despite how it may appear to others, there is growth, growth for them and the people with which the boundaries were established. I have learned to trust love and the process even if I am not sure why things are happening. Had my friend not followed her dreams and her calling, I would not have moved forward in mine. I would not have been made aware of the wounds that still need tender, loving care and the self-defeating thoughts that I thought I had conquered but continue to rear their ugly heads.I am grateful that I can be honest with myself and face the shadow parts that I do not like. I know that it is how I grow,Ariadne's thread to the Goddess within. Thank you Miss Paula for being you; for loving yourself enough to follow your dreams and for once again reminding me that love is not a feeling, but an act. An act that requires seeing myself and those around me in their own uniqueness rather than through my fear, attachment, entitlement and control. ~ Munay

Intention for Today...and everyday

"Great Mystery, teach me how to trust my heart, my mind, my intuition, my inner knowing, the senses of my body, the blessings of my spirit. Teach me to trust these things so that I may enter my Sacred Space and love beyond my fear, and thus Walk in Balance with the passing of each glorious Sun." ~Author Unknown

More Soul Whispers...

"Dream" SOul WHisper

My Art...

The Butterfly Maiden...Goddess of Spring, change and transformation

Yemaya

Offerings to Yemaya

The Maiden and The Crone

Sometimes it is difficult to find the words to convey exactly what I am feeling. I chase the thoughts around in my head trying to grab some here and there that I can try to make some sense of. Sometimes the words escape me as quickly as they’ve been captured. I’ve decided to write the words rather than let them escape.

It has been years since I have attempted to write anything. As a young girl writing was my outlet; the only way in which I was able to acknowledge the whispers of my soul. I haven’t written since 10th grade, the year I dropped out of high school and had my second child. I thought it was a part of me that was lost; gone with the 15 year old I once was. I realize now she has never been gone; she has always been there, a part of my shadow; her voice has been stifled but she has found other ways to make herself heard. Ways that usually hurt her more than anything. I now know that being heard, truly heard, is a fundamental need and I have begun the process of giving her back her voice; of allowing her to be heard. She is the Maiden within and in turn has brought along her ability to take risks; to string words together, creating something tangible out of the intangible…my emotions.

I have experiencing a wide range of feelings lately and writing has been my bridge this last week, my connection to the sacred. I am walking away from a career right now, from security, and at times I think I am absolutely crazy. I tell myself that I could easily remain where I am and take the safe route; the responsible route. But then a voice reminds me that there are parts of myself, the best parts of myself, which I would have to cut off in order to survive taking this responsible, safe route. I am at a point in my life where I am discovering and falling deeply in love with who I am. As Ntozaka Shange wrote...” I found God in myself and I loved her, loved her fiercely”. The fear of losing those parts of self, as I am just finding them, has become much greater than the fear of losing security; the fear of what could happen if I do not take the safe route.

Writing has been a way of beginning to sort all this out. Not only has it connected me to a part that had been lost; it has also deepened my connection to a part of me I never knew existed. This part of me, the wise Crone, reminds me that in order for rebirth there must be death; death of ideas, beliefs, circumstances and situations that no longer serve me; that hinder my growth. She also helps me remember that If I put one foot in front of the other I will get there, wherever that may be. She knows this because she has been with me all along.

Lessons from a Water Balloon

I came home from work tonight to find my husband on our deck filling a water balloon for our 7yo son Elijah. I watched as my husband accidentally filled the balloon past capacity and popped it. Elijah stared discouraged as his father attempted to fill the next one. The look of delight and the giggle that slipped between his lips was infectious.

I guess that before I go on I should describe Elijah, my little Buddha. I call him that because if there is anything he has shown me, it is that children are here to teach. I’ve often watched his approach to life and tried to emulate it. He greets each day with wonder, has no worry about the past or the future and has difficulty holding grudges. Elijah expertly explained to me once why I should forgive our dog Shai for peeing on my bed. He reminded me that our dog is just that, a dog and dogs pee on things. He explained me that we all make mistakes and need to be loved and understood.

As he gets older and “life” happens, he is beginning to carry over his worries from the previous day into the next and holding onto his hurts a little longer than he used to. As a mother I worry. I want him to hang on to this part of him, that part that lives in the questions, that’ always wonders if there’s more, the part of him that lives heart wide open and has the ability to forgive. I understand though that he too has his journey; the lessons he chose to come here and learn.

My little Buddha has taught me a lot, which brings me back to the water balloon lesson. Elijah decided to name and keep his balloon as a pet after successfully being tied closed by his father and decreed that we should all have our own “water balloon pets”. Daddy went back to the task of filling them with water while Elijah and I named them. He named his Peter, I named mine Patty and Daddy’s was named Patrick.
When my husband suggested we use Elijah’s pet “Peter” in a catch, Elijah stared at him in horror! What if we dropped it and it broke? Funny enough, I understood his fear. I suggested he could use my “pet” Patty in a catch, explaining that it is every water balloon’s dream to be used in a catch, to be tossed high up into the air and caught in a child’s hand. Elijah looked up at the trees that keep guard in our yard and expressed his fear that he would be unable to catch Patty should he toss her up as high as they stood. Again, what if she broke; landed in a puddle on the ground? I heard myself explaining to him that if she broke, she would break doing something that she loved, fulfilling her dream, her reason for being created.

I am like the water balloon in many ways. I am in a period of transition, in the process of fulfilling my dreams; figuring out my reason for being created. It is scary being tossed into the air, unsure of whether there will loving hands to catch me as gravity propels me down. It’s a chance that I am now willing to take. When I was a child I believed I could be anything I wanted, create my destiny, as long as I believed. I was always told to dream. I would be dishonest if I said I wasn’t scared. And as I was driving home from work this evening I was contemplating feelings of fear.
It’s amazing how the Universe works, how the Goddess speaks to me in different ways. A co-worker once told that “we often teach what we need to learn”. The water balloon was just as much a lesson for me as it was for Elijah and he happily tossed Patty into the air with his father. Patty broke shortly thereafter and Elijah insisted we each keep a piece to remember Patty; a piece to remind us to always follow our dreams, no matter our fear of landing in a puddle on the ground.

some of my intentional art...my "SOul Whspers"

the beginning

I started this blog probably about a year and a half ago and never came back to it. I think I know now why...it wasn't time. I knew then that I was in the midst of a major upheaval in my internal world, a tsunami of sorts, but wasn't sure where I would be headed.
 Since that time a lot has changed. I have changed. It has been a little over a month since I decided to begin working part time in an effort to follow my "personal legend". Sometimes I think I am pretty clear as to what that is and other times the uncertainty of it all almost paralyzes me with fear. It's been hard work making sure that I don't stay in that scary place and that I do not make decisions based on the fear that grips me. It's been hard putting one foot in front of the other, wondering where the money to pay the mortgage will come from and trusting that it will come. I know if I make my choices based on my fear I will live by default and today I am awake! That in itself is a whole other story...this process of waking up. I believe the 2 are intertwined when I come to think about it...waking up and following my personal legend.
 For now my Reiki practice, my Intentional Art and my dream of helping women find the Goddess within and begin to live from that place, is enough to keep me going. When I think about it, my soul smiles :o)
I want this blog to be a safe place where I can document the journey and share it with others in the hopes that maybe together we can get to where we've been trying to get to all along...home.