The Band Aid and the Booboo

I did not think I would be blogging today. I had a lot of excuses..no one was reading it, it was late, I was tired, and what else could I possibly have to say after this long day?
Once again,the Universe always has something it would like to impart to me through my son Elijah. You see he has this "booboo" on his knee. It's a wide scrape that has stubbornly refused to heal because he has been pulling the band aid off to look at it. Tonight was no different. Elijah removed is band aid to look at the booboo and after realizing that it appeared no different than it had yesterday, he went on about his evening. Just as expected, it began to bleed again. He had accidentally scraped the newly forming scab off while playing. While in the bathroom cleaning it off and applying the third band aid for the day, I asked Elijah why he kept removing his band aids and he explained that he wanted to see it healed; he couldn't wait to see what it would look like.
I recall the feeling of being in "limbo" that I have been experiencing these last few weeks, of not really being sure of what lies ahead or what this is all for at the end of the day and having to sit with it. I thought about my impatience and what my feelings of impatience teach me about myself. The thing that stands out to me the most is that for me, when I feel impatient, it is because deep down there is a fear that this thing, whatever it is I'm waiting for,will not happen, my need will be unmet. So it has to happen now, right away, I can't wait. Luckily I am getting better at recognizing it and dealing with it differently, but it's there. It creeps up. It's what my limbo feeling is about. Sometimes I can't wait; I want to know what's going to happen now. I want to know what it will look like when it's all healed.
I ended up explaining to Elijah what I most had to reinforce within myself. I love it when that happens and I am able to see it. It's magical.
I explained to him that the booboo will heal if he gives it time, if he is patient. That he should stop ripping the band aid before it's ready. He has to trust that whatever is happening underneath that band aid is what's supposed to be happening, even if he can't see it, and that when he pulls it off it may not look exactly as he expected, but it will be just what it's supposed to be. I will follow my own advice tonight and let my band aid do what it does, trusting that I am healing underneath, that I am on my way even if I don't always feel like it, and If I forget I will remember Elijah and his band aid.

Book excerpt...please feel free to leave feedback

Below is an excerpt from a book I am working on..another message in a bottle...it is sometimes difficult to put my journey into words for it contains memories which contain feelings that I have long since buried but I believe it is something I need to begin to do, something I have been called to do. I think about all the stories I have heard and read, how I loved them because on some level they were able to articulate my journey in a way I was still unable to do. They gave a name to something I could not and helped me begin to understand mine, to look at it from a different perspective.I hope and wish that I can do the same for someone else...

"I am grateful for the dark night of the soul. Even as I am in the midst of it, I am grateful. My inner world feels as if a tornado has swept through. Everything has been strewn about, uprooted. I spend time trying to put the pieces back, put everything back in its place but I’m finding some of the pieces don’t fit anymore. The tornado has forever altered the landscape. Some of the pieces are no longer useful but I am scared to discard them, let them go. It reminds me of when I would keep empty juice bottles and cereal boxes in the kitchen cabinet. I knew they were empty and useless but they took up space that would have otherwise been empty and helped me feel more secure. I am used to them. They have always been there. If I let them go what takes their place? Even as I go through this I am grateful. A co-worker once presented me with a quote on a fancy piece of paper for my birthday. As he handed it to me he explained that my ability to cry was a gift. The quote read “I wish to live my life on the verge of tears, for it is in those moments, when I am about to cry, when I am on the emotional edge, that I am most convinced of the aliveness of my soul”.
I hold onto that right now because I cry a lot. There are moments when I am gripped with fear, when my heart pounds in my chest and I feel nauseous. And in those moments I cry. There are moments when I am so sad that all I can do is hang my head down and breathe. In those moments I cry also. As I walk through the devastation left by the tornado I cry. Nothing will ever be the same. I will have to sift through everything that’s been thrown around; everything that’s been unearthed. The task at times seems overwhelming but I will not carry all this with me on the next leg of my journey. It will be too heavy. There has been a lot buried throughout the years...experiences and feelings I’ve wanted to forget, thoughts I’ve denied, a voice or touch too painful to remember. I will have to go through it all, discard things that no longer serve me, keep what I need and figure out what to do with the rest.
I don’t know how long this dark night will last, how long it will take me to clear the wreckage, but I’ve learned to take it one day at a time. I’ve learned to feel the fear and do it anyway. I’ve learned to trust the process and stand in my truth. That “I am a good person worthy of love and respect”, and that in addition to my gift of tears, I also possess the gift of grace. I’m blessed to have the footsteps of those who journeyed through the dark night before me to follow. They are my mothers and fathers, the ones placed in my path and along my journey when I had none. I hope their lessons sustain me. Deep down I believe they will.
I am moving on from them now and I feel compelled to write it down, what they gave me, how they helped me to see myself clearly, finally. I believe writing them down will be my way of stitching them into my heart, one by one with each word. I fear if I don’t, I will lose them, forget them as time goes by. I don’t want their words, their examples, who they were, to become tangled in the debris and accidentally tossed away"

Just my thoughts...

"when you try to get rid of fear and anger, what happens? You just get restless or discouraged and have to go eat something or smoke or drink or do something else. But if you wait and endure restlessness, greed, hatred, doubt, despair and sleepiness, if you observe these conditions as they cease and end, you will attain a kind of calm and mental clarity, which you will never achieve if your always going after something else."

I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately; a lot of time thinking. I think it's been good for me. It's time that I now cherish. I posted the quote above because it captures the heart of what I have been grappling with. I am not sure where it came form but I ran across it  in 2006 and promptly posted it on my myspace blog. It was what I needed at that time and seems to be what I need today. 

I have been thinking about the many times throughout my life that I have been told not to invest anymore energy into a particular feeling ( i.e. anger, sadness, grief etc.) because the time had come to move on, get over it, move forward, let it go. And I will admit that at times that was what I needed to hear because there was a time in my life when I perceived myself as a victim.What I didn't understand at the time was that while there was a danger in playing victim, this was only one side of the spectrum. There was also a danger in going to the other end of the extreme. The one that is "strong" and intellectualizes "acceptance" rather than going through the actual process. And it is a process; a process that is painful but necessary in restoring one's authentic power. 

I think what I have found now is a balance. I have had to. I truly believe that emotion, my feelings, is just that, ENERGY, in motion. To shut it down, simply because the process of allowing the energy to flow in and out of me, is uncomfortable and taking longer than I would like, has never benefited me. I simply postponed the inevitable.
I now choose to enter the realm of emotion within me, consciously. I allow my grief, my sadness, my anger, my joy, all the emotions that make me human, to flow, understanding that they will not last forever, that I am not a victim, that I am responsible for my feelings, and that yes, the "strong one" resides within. But she is not found in my head because I or someone else tells me it's time to suck it up and move on. She is born and found in the darkness, in the shadowy realm of emotion.    
This energy, this emotion, needs to be  released because it is flowing and present to teach me something. It will be released whether I am aware of it or not. The times that it has been released without me being aware are those times when I find myself wondering..."why did I just do that? Why did I just react that way?". Oftentimes that is when I end up hurting those closest to me. When I make the conscious choice to "go in", as I like to call it, I can create a container within, something to hold the energy so that it does not leak out onto others until I have learned what it is I need to heal; until the energy has run it's course.
I'm grateful that I can allow my process. It makes it easier for me to be present and witness the process of others without being uncomfortable and having to project my stuff onto them. 
So if you are in a process yourself, whatever it may be...take your time, learn all you can but do it with intention. Go into the shadowy realm with the intent to learn about yourself, to heal, and to transmute that energy and emotion into something different, something beautiful.
As I write this I have an image of a beautiful 3 yo, she is smiling and happy and holding out her arms to me. She is the gift found at the end of acceptance for me today for I have taken her energy and allowed it to flow these past few days and now she is ready to come home...knowing that i will never allow anyone to shut down her process again; to tell her that's enough, stop crying, get over it, move on. I will guide her through it instead...reminding her of the rewards to be gained, the jewels to be found.

In the shadows...

 It's been a few days since I blogged last. There have been some shifts since then. It is amazing the way my life has been changing. It isn't so much that things around me have changed...my perception has changed and that seems to make all the difference. Financially I am struggling. I worry about when then next bill comes up because I'm not sure where the money to pay for it will come from but I have noticed that a funny thing will happen...someone will buy a piece of art I have created or someone will schedule a reiki session and I find myself able to meet my obligations. I am learning to trust the process  in a way that I never have before.
During those times when I am most "unsure",  I am finding that there is a voice within that guides me. She has always been with me although I have not always chosen to listen. She is wise and self assured. She understands the cycles of life and death and does not fear them for she knows that death is just as much a gift as life. She knows that death leads to transformation and renewal. She understands the connection between herself and the earth, for She and the Earth are one. This voice within reminds me that the only way to get through is to be in the moment, something I struggle with daily, but She is consistent and this helps me when I project too far into the future.
I don't think that I would have ever connected with her had it not been for the dark moments in my life; the times when I feel as if I will be swallowed up by my shadow. I'm thinking there wouldn't have been any reason to. Just a few days ago I wrote about the old wounds  that had begun to surface, wounds that I really did believe I had tended. And I did, but I am realizing that it is done in layers and I was being called to peel back the next one.
I am incredibly grateful I cooperated with the call. In doing so I realized, on a deeper level,  that my shadow parts are not necessarily "bad". They are just parts of myself unknown to me, in the dark. I now know my shadow contains my un-lived life; all of my unused potential and magic. I know that I will be called to go deeper once again, to reclaim the lost pieces of myself,  to bless the ghosts of my past and send them on their way.  I know that it will be painful and things I see that I will not understand or even wish to know but I also know that I will discover the best parts of myself. ~munay