I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately; a lot of time thinking. I think it's been good for me. It's time that I now cherish. I posted the quote above because it captures the heart of what I have been grappling with. I am not sure where it came form but I ran across it in 2006 and promptly posted it on my myspace blog. It was what I needed at that time and seems to be what I need today.
I have been thinking about the many times throughout my life that I have been told not to invest anymore energy into a particular feeling ( i.e. anger, sadness, grief etc.) because the time had come to move on, get over it, move forward, let it go. And I will admit that at times that was what I needed to hear because there was a time in my life when I perceived myself as a victim.What I didn't understand at the time was that while there was a danger in playing victim, this was only one side of the spectrum. There was also a danger in going to the other end of the extreme. The one that is "strong" and intellectualizes "acceptance" rather than going through the actual process. And it is a process; a process that is painful but necessary in restoring one's authentic power.
I think what I have found now is a balance. I have had to. I truly believe that emotion, my feelings, is just that, ENERGY, in motion. To shut it down, simply because the process of allowing the energy to flow in and out of me, is uncomfortable and taking longer than I would like, has never benefited me. I simply postponed the inevitable.
I now choose to enter the realm of emotion within me, consciously. I allow my grief, my sadness, my anger, my joy, all the emotions that make me human, to flow, understanding that they will not last forever, that I am not a victim, that I am responsible for my feelings, and that yes, the "strong one" resides within. But she is not found in my head because I or someone else tells me it's time to suck it up and move on. She is born and found in the darkness, in the shadowy realm of emotion.
This energy, this emotion, needs to be released because it is flowing and present to teach me something. It will be released whether I am aware of it or not. The times that it has been released without me being aware are those times when I find myself wondering..."why did I just do that? Why did I just react that way?". Oftentimes that is when I end up hurting those closest to me. When I make the conscious choice to "go in", as I like to call it, I can create a container within, something to hold the energy so that it does not leak out onto others until I have learned what it is I need to heal; until the energy has run it's course.
I'm grateful that I can allow my process. It makes it easier for me to be present and witness the process of others without being uncomfortable and having to project my stuff onto them.
So if you are in a process yourself, whatever it may be...take your time, learn all you can but do it with intention. Go into the shadowy realm with the intent to learn about yourself, to heal, and to transmute that energy and emotion into something different, something beautiful.
As I write this I have an image of a beautiful 3 yo, she is smiling and happy and holding out her arms to me. She is the gift found at the end of acceptance for me today for I have taken her energy and allowed it to flow these past few days and now she is ready to come home...knowing that i will never allow anyone to shut down her process again; to tell her that's enough, stop crying, get over it, move on. I will guide her through it instead...reminding her of the rewards to be gained, the jewels to be found.
I now choose to enter the realm of emotion within me, consciously. I allow my grief, my sadness, my anger, my joy, all the emotions that make me human, to flow, understanding that they will not last forever, that I am not a victim, that I am responsible for my feelings, and that yes, the "strong one" resides within. But she is not found in my head because I or someone else tells me it's time to suck it up and move on. She is born and found in the darkness, in the shadowy realm of emotion.
This energy, this emotion, needs to be released because it is flowing and present to teach me something. It will be released whether I am aware of it or not. The times that it has been released without me being aware are those times when I find myself wondering..."why did I just do that? Why did I just react that way?". Oftentimes that is when I end up hurting those closest to me. When I make the conscious choice to "go in", as I like to call it, I can create a container within, something to hold the energy so that it does not leak out onto others until I have learned what it is I need to heal; until the energy has run it's course.
I'm grateful that I can allow my process. It makes it easier for me to be present and witness the process of others without being uncomfortable and having to project my stuff onto them.
So if you are in a process yourself, whatever it may be...take your time, learn all you can but do it with intention. Go into the shadowy realm with the intent to learn about yourself, to heal, and to transmute that energy and emotion into something different, something beautiful.
As I write this I have an image of a beautiful 3 yo, she is smiling and happy and holding out her arms to me. She is the gift found at the end of acceptance for me today for I have taken her energy and allowed it to flow these past few days and now she is ready to come home...knowing that i will never allow anyone to shut down her process again; to tell her that's enough, stop crying, get over it, move on. I will guide her through it instead...reminding her of the rewards to be gained, the jewels to be found.
1 comment:
Thank you again for your advice. I will try to do the same. You're amazing Jenn! Love your words of wisdom..:)
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