The truth about "balls"...should they really be a metaphor for strength???

So I am going to take a chance here and share a theory that I hold near and dear to my heart. This theory developed as a result of listening to the men around me frequently tell each other to "grow a set of balls"; not to mention the countless references in films, TV, etc. The way it happened was that I began to seriously wonder how strength and courage became equated with "balls". Growing up I was taught that the quickest, sure-fire way to get a man down was to kick him in the balls! This really began to make less and less sense the more that  I thought about it. By the age of five, I was well aware that if I were to even just graze a boy's balls, he would be doubled over in pain.Nope, balls equaling strength was not really sounding like an accurate equation.
I then began think about the numerous times I had heard men call each other a "p*#@y " when referring to a man who had committed an act of weakness and cowardice. I began to wonder about myself and my strength; about the differences between a woman's body and a man's. How was it that the vagina came to be equated with weakness and cowardice? I am a mother of 3, so when exploring my feelings regarding this body part of mine, the experience of giving birth to a child is something that immediately comes up. I was 14. I would have c-sections the next two times around, but I would never forget the way I feared I would be split open (I was sooo tiny) and then the ease in which my vagina was able to expand to deliver my first child. I didn't even tear! The more I thought about it, the more I realized what an amazing body part this was indeed. It could stretch and expand to deliver a baby and snap back into it's original shape. If I may be completely frank, it could take a beating like nobody's business and still maintain it's beauty and form.
 After thinking all of this through,  I concluded that the whole thing should indeed be switched. Vagina equaling strength sounds like a much more accurate equation. I can say with much certainty, that rather than aspiring to "grow some cojones", I now aspire to "grow into my vagina"; to be able to expand and be flexible in life, to be able to take in all life has to offer, beatings and all,and still maintain my original, beautiful form.

The Fall...

soul collage

I read a quote once about falling from grace and into your truth.
I remember the first time I saw the words hanging on the wall of the “Dreaming Goddess”. It was July 2009 and I was at my first New Moon Circle. My life was changing rapidly and I had no idea what direction it was going…I only knew that I needed to cooperate with Spirit; that the words I was reading, the words that resonated so deeply, were profound; that I should remember them.
Looking back now, I believe I was born falling into it...this thing called my truth. I realized at a very young age that if I did not figure something out I would die. I was 15 yo, and the mother of a one year old little boy, when "the fall" into my truth became a conscious journey. It was in a hospital emergency room, vomiting liquid charcoal, when I unequivocally decided that I wanted to live. I had absolutely reached the bottom....but it was not my truth I fell into back then. Somewhere along the way I veered off course and landed in other people's truths...my mother's, my father's etc. There would be times later on in life where I would veer off course again but it was never the same after that moment.
It's a strange and mysterious thing...the way it's happened;the depths I've had to go and still need to go. I used to feel sorry for myself for all the "bad cards" life has dealt me. I stopped doing so a long time ago, for it enabled me to begin this "conscious falling in" .
The fall has been long and arduous and will only become harder but I've grasped some things during the descent...some beautiful pieces that will one day make up the whole. I've also dropped some pieces that did not belong to me; that I held onto because I didn't know better. It feels good to be able to recognize what's mine and what's not; to be able to honor, protect it, and clarify it for no one can speak to my truth but me...for it's mine; made up of my unique experiences. ~Munay

Ms. Jennifer and Sarai

It feels like it's been so long since I've written anything. It feels amazing to be sitting here now...like I have just opened the door and looked outside after weeks of refusing to leave the house; the sunshine washing over me. It has been an up and down roller coaster of emotion...I've gone from one extreme to the other and believe I've figured some stuff out for myself, about myself, while locked in "my house".
First things first, I am my own worst enemy; not all of me, but parts of me, specifically my ego. I am aware that I am stepping into the unknown, taking a leap of faith and have no idea what will happen in the future. My ego, which we will call Ms.Jennifer, for the sake of this blog post, does not like this at all and is fighting like hell to retain control; she has declared war and is rallying the committee and preparing the assault.
She operates on four things: fear, attachment, control and entitlement. As a result of this, she needs to know exactly what will happen at all times so that she can feel she has some measure of control over the uncertainty of life. She has difficulty with trust, as she has had many experiences in life that have taught her that there really isn’t anyone that can be trusted. She is attached to outcomes and has a tendency to project into the future and can imagine all types of horrible calamities befalling her and her loved ones. She has marvelous ways of justifying her fears because mostly everyone she has ever loved has been taken from her…her brother, her father, her beloved step-father, her best friend, the father of her children…yadda yadda yadda. She is also very good at feeling sorry for herself and could actually go on for days describing all the ways in which life has been unfair; how she has been misunderstood and betrayed; how everyone else is responsible for how she feels etc.
Jennifer has been doing just this during these last few weeks. She tells me to find a real job. She tells me that no one will read what I write, that no one will pay for my art, that I cannot support myself with Reiki, that I am irresponsible as a mother and a wife because I am not contributing financially, that I am dreaming about this so-called creative life. Yup, she knows exactly what to say to get me.
It is hard not to intensely dislike Jennifer. I realized a while ago that it is my life’s goal to embrace her, to love her. I’m getting better at it; I understand more and more why she is fighting me on this, why she resists change. I am not talking about external changes like a haircut or a job change. I am talking about the deep soul changes…the monsoons that sweep in and alter the landscape of one's inner world forever. She doesn’t like those so much…it’s easier to leave things the way they are, do things the way they’ve always been done, than to mess with something we’re not familiar with.
In the midst of this though, there is Sarai…yes Sarai, this other part of me, this wise, fierce, and capable part of me that intuitively knows how to move in any world she steps in because she knows she is Divine and is a co-creator with the Universe. I have written about her before and have now decided to name her…to welcome her into my life fully. Don’t get me wrong, she has ALWAYS been with me, been part of me, but her voice was difficult for me to hear or rather I chose not to listen most of the time until life brought me to my knees. I have been getting these two, Ms.Jennifer and Sarai, to talk to each other lately in a way I never have before. Being witness to the dialogue between them has been heart- breaking and heart- mending at the same time...life is such a marriage of opposites.
As I think about what I’ve written, Ms. Jennifer, tells me I shouldn’t share it. “You are supposed to appear a certain way! “she says. “Spiritual people are joyful people, positive beings spreading love and light at all times!” she continues. “What will everyone think?” she asks. Today I tell Ms. Jennifer, my ego, that I really don’t give a shit. My process is mine. It works for me. I don’t learn what I am capable of, what jewels exist deep within me, until shit hits the fan in my inner world and I have get her and Sarai talking. I am not looking for a spirituality of perfection...it just gives Ms. Jennifer more reasons to beat herself up. I am practicing a spirituality of Imperfection instead, which means making some mistakes, learning by going through my wounds, embracing my shadows and taking full responsibility for what I think and feel and how I respond to the world rather than blaming my feelings and behavior on others. Bad days and self doubt do not mean I am not growing. On the contrary, they are the ways in which I grow because they force me to look within, to check in and find out what’s going on with Ms. Jennifer and the committee;Something I can’t do efficiently while worrying about appearances.~Munay