Lost on the NJ Turnpike...

I got lost on the NJ turnpike the other night. I was lost for about 3 hours. The GPS on my phone was not working and every turn I made seemed to lead me back to where I started. I normally have a good sense of direction and have never minded getting lost. I’ve found the coolest places while lost…parks, thrift shops, book stores; wonderful places I would have never discovered otherwise, but my sense of adventure and wonder was lost that night. As the sun went down and I drove in circles, anxiety crept in, along with fear and doubt.

 This particular night, I was on my way home from my first day at a new job; a job that I wasn’t sure I wanted to return to the next day. It seemed to serve as a reminder of all the reasons I made the painful decision to leave the chemical dependency field. I had spent the majority of that first day wondering how I had ended up back here.

While driving and crying on the NJ turnpike that night, I noticed the parallels in my life. I left the parking lot of my new job that day to set out on my journey “home”. Somewhere along the way, I got lost; the roads became unfamiliar and I panicked. I tried to find the first familiar exit…anything that looked like it would lead me home and only became more lost.

I am thinking that this is probably how I ended up taking this job. Somewhere along this journey of mine called life, the road became unclear, unfamiliar, and I panicked, taking the first exit that was familiar and safe. I went back to substance abuse counseling.  I have been asking myself some questions the past few days. Why is it that I can manifest a CASAC job within a week and I can’t manifest enough Reiki clients to keep me afloat? I know now that the reason is because I believe in one more than the other. I have no doubt in my gifts as a counselor, therefore I have no problem manifesting a position in which I can utilize these gifts.  

Establishing a Reiki practice is an entirely different story and I am realizing that I have been stepping forward in this part of my journey with fear; fear that I am not good enough, fear that I will fail, fear that I will never attract those that really want to heal.

 I did some shamanic journeying yesterday with the intention to ask my power animal for assistance in learning to step forward in faith rather than fear. On this journey I was given a skunk. He was a reminder that my self- esteem and belief in me are still areas that I am working on and that I what I attract to my life is a direct result of how I feel about myself. There are no victims. We are all simply volunteers, creating our reality with every thought.

I quit the job after 2 days and I realize now that I needed to take the job, even if just for a few days, to remember why I left, to reaffirm why I needed to follow my dreams. I needed to get lost so that I could begin finding my way again. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the importance of the journey and I stopped trusting the process, stopped looking at the bigger picture. If your ever lost on the NJ turnpike and find yourself going in circles, trust that it may all be happening for a reason.