Its been about 5 months since Ive posted anything. I thought about it often but never got around to it. Today the thought would not leave my mind and here I am. My life has changed a lot since I last blogged. My perception has shifted as well. I believe that before I could try to express what it was that I was experiencing I had to get to the other side of it, the feelings of failure, regret, and most of all confusion .
My life had in no way turned out the way I had thought it would when I resigned from my job in July 2010. While I had several semi-regular clients, my reiki practice did not explode; I had only completed the first chapter of my "best-seller" and my bank account was overdrawn more often than not. I felt completely abandoned by the sure, strong, internal, voice that had been guiding me. Did the stirrings of my soul somehow get lost in translation? I had heard the call and answered willingly.
It was on January 3, 2011, while at a women's circle, that I began crossing the bridge to the other side of it. While surrounded by a circle of women at The Dreaming Goddess annex, I opened a letter that I had written to my self a whole year earlier at a workshop called 2010 with Intention. In this letter I laid out the dreams for the next year of my life and for the first time attempted to live it with a very focused intention.
Returning a year later was difficult for me; I was scared to read my letter, scared to confront my failure. I had been so hopeful and was really beginning to buy into the idea that I had the ability to dream my world into creation. It wasn't until I read my letter a year later, on that cold, snowy day in January of 2011, surrounded by the same circle of sisters from the year before, that I realized that I had done everything I had set out to. I helped women with reiki; I created my circle room and led circles; I wrote often and my hands stayed messy with glue. It was all I had asked for and more; the process of manifesting my dream was not over. I had not failed; I was simply seeing my circumstances with the wrong eyes. It was my attempt to control my journey so rigidly that was causing all the pain and doubt. I began to learn that day that although I heard the call and answered; I could not expect the journey to be simple. Nor could I expect to understand the way in which I would be led.
Looking back I am grateful to have gone through this period in my life. It allowed me to learn a lot about myself and today I find myself in a strange, new, and beautiful place, wondering how I got here. The reiki practice has still not exploded and I threw out the first chapter of my "best-seller" but what I have begun to remember is that dreaming my world into creation does not only mean changing my external circumstances. For me it has been about really and truly recognizing that I come from, Love, and was created to embody Love. It is what I am, it is the only thing that's real in this messy world and nothing can or ever will change that. It is who I am. It is who we ALL are. It isn't something we have to earn or work for; it isn't something gained through the accumulation of useless things that wear down and eventually have to be discarded. We are Love simply because we are. It need not ever be defended because nothing can attack it. It's a quiet, gentle, knowing that has made itself at home deep within me. I believe now the journey really begins because I have also remembered that to allow that knowing deep within to truly settle in; in order to really keep it, I have to give it away. If Love is the only thing that is real; I have to let go of everything else and only see Love. The adventure continues...
My life had in no way turned out the way I had thought it would when I resigned from my job in July 2010. While I had several semi-regular clients, my reiki practice did not explode; I had only completed the first chapter of my "best-seller" and my bank account was overdrawn more often than not. I felt completely abandoned by the sure, strong, internal, voice that had been guiding me. Did the stirrings of my soul somehow get lost in translation? I had heard the call and answered willingly.
It was on January 3, 2011, while at a women's circle, that I began crossing the bridge to the other side of it. While surrounded by a circle of women at The Dreaming Goddess annex, I opened a letter that I had written to my self a whole year earlier at a workshop called 2010 with Intention. In this letter I laid out the dreams for the next year of my life and for the first time attempted to live it with a very focused intention.
Returning a year later was difficult for me; I was scared to read my letter, scared to confront my failure. I had been so hopeful and was really beginning to buy into the idea that I had the ability to dream my world into creation. It wasn't until I read my letter a year later, on that cold, snowy day in January of 2011, surrounded by the same circle of sisters from the year before, that I realized that I had done everything I had set out to. I helped women with reiki; I created my circle room and led circles; I wrote often and my hands stayed messy with glue. It was all I had asked for and more; the process of manifesting my dream was not over. I had not failed; I was simply seeing my circumstances with the wrong eyes. It was my attempt to control my journey so rigidly that was causing all the pain and doubt. I began to learn that day that although I heard the call and answered; I could not expect the journey to be simple. Nor could I expect to understand the way in which I would be led.
Looking back I am grateful to have gone through this period in my life. It allowed me to learn a lot about myself and today I find myself in a strange, new, and beautiful place, wondering how I got here. The reiki practice has still not exploded and I threw out the first chapter of my "best-seller" but what I have begun to remember is that dreaming my world into creation does not only mean changing my external circumstances. For me it has been about really and truly recognizing that I come from, Love, and was created to embody Love. It is what I am, it is the only thing that's real in this messy world and nothing can or ever will change that. It is who I am. It is who we ALL are. It isn't something we have to earn or work for; it isn't something gained through the accumulation of useless things that wear down and eventually have to be discarded. We are Love simply because we are. It need not ever be defended because nothing can attack it. It's a quiet, gentle, knowing that has made itself at home deep within me. I believe now the journey really begins because I have also remembered that to allow that knowing deep within to truly settle in; in order to really keep it, I have to give it away. If Love is the only thing that is real; I have to let go of everything else and only see Love. The adventure continues...
